Haunted
by always-kh
Summary: after KHII. SPOILER WARNING! the past is catching up with her... literally. and she can't escape it...it's haunting. UNDERGOING REVAMP
1. All That I'm Living For

**Disclaimer: **The plot and only the plot is mine. Don't sue.

**A/N: **

about the format:

_flashbacks_

'thoughts'

"speech"

normal

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**All That I'm Living For**

I'm dying inside and for what? All of these memories press upon me at night when I'm all alone. Nighttime is troubled, plagued by nightmares now.

As I feel it beginning, I feel so isolated from everything as I finally begin to understanding everything, putting all the pieces together, all I've seen, all I've done, all I am. I'm the closest thing to darkness in Kairi's heart… maybe that's why all my good intentions come to nothing. I look for words to make it all better only to find nothing, emptiness, I grasp yet again at empty air.

'Sora, Sora, SORA!' the thoughts rang insistently through my head. I tried desperately to push all thoughts of him from my mind but it was no use. He was the reason I existed, the reason why I was here right now, the reason I was in all this pain. Why'd it have to be him? He's my only reason for living, yet my only motivation for dying. All I wanted was a little more. I got greedy, taking what wasn't mine, caught up in his love. Because I wasn't who he'd thought. And now these ghosts, this past is coming for me at last. He's coming. I knew it from the beginning.

_'Sora!' the thought ran through my head and I didn't want to know why. Then pain ran through me in waves like electricity running through my body as I began writhing under the agonizing feeling seizing up, instinctively curling up into a ball, unable to scream as I was still a part of Kairi and had no control over anything. 'Make it stop! Make it stop!' I begged internally, whimpering in pain, tears running down my face as I continued moving erratically, my limbs twitching. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard cries of pain from Kairi, but any pain she felt only faded as my own intensified until I thankfully blacked out._

_When I came to I was in a strange world, one I did not recognize from Sora's memories. 'Where am I? What am I doing here?' I thought groggily my head spinning as I tried to stand and I winced, falling back down. I felt something dripping down my forehead and closed my eyes hoping it was sweat. Then noticing one part of my head throbbed more than all the rest I put my hand to it hoping to assess what was wrong and my hand met with something sticky and warm and I pulled it away. "Blood, how lovely, I just hope I don't have a concussion." I mumbled. Then the strangeness of it all caught up with me: I was moving, I could see and control my own body, I was conscious, and I saw and felt no signs of Kairi. I gulped, not knowing exactly what this meant. Then I noticed I felt… different I wasn't sure is this was a good or bad thing, probably bad I guessed. It took me a moment to register the pounding within my chest and then more moments to fully comprehend my observation. I had a heart but…. why? How?_

It was after that the nightmares began. And they've continued since then. I always believed in the meaning of dreams perhaps out of meaning or longing for something. And these memories would not go away. My wildest dreams had come true and were now becoming nightmares. My obsession coming back to haunt me. I would learn my lesson, would learn not to interfere in the most painful way possible. So I wouldn't lose myself again in these fake memories and dreams anymore as these real ones faced me. They would be replaced by real ones, mockeries of everything I'd wanted as I'd quickly realized.

_The implications of this monumental discovery sank in. I had a heart and that could only mean one thing… 'Oh God, no! No!' It came to me why my thoughts had suddenly been of him. 'I know I wanted more time with him but this is not what I meant!' _

_I nearly broke down sobbing brokenly right then. You see… my past was catching up to me. Sora remembered me now. I'd never thought the day would come. And I was now no longer a part of Kairi… and I knew why. For me to separate required two things: an attachment on my part to something or someone and for me to arouse strong feelings in someone else: love, hatred, envy, pain all were strong enough to cause this… but I figured Sora would never remember me, he'd forgotten me and no-one else knew me so I was safe from that. I would fade away another lost memory._

But my darkest fears came true. And now I've hurt him. He can't live in ignorance anymore. Oh God will I EVER learn? Dreams don't come true for Nobodies. I cause nothing but pain.

Sora came months later asking why? Why had I rewritten his memories? I couldn't tell him of the killing, crippling loneliness. So instead I told him other things: I told him truthfully that it was to make him see me I thought I had to change his memories to do so, I told him my first impulse when I'd realized he was looking for me was to flee but that I'd known he deserved answers and so I would give them. And how far and how long could I run without regret? I could have run on forever but at what cost? So instead I'd faced him.

I couldn't escape my love for him even though it was unrequited. This sweet torture. To have him so close and yet so far. Sheer agony. Which left me with so many questions: should it hurt like this to love him? And was it right for me to still feel this way about him? Because maybe this was my punishment. And because… I'd always known it was only a matter of time.

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**A/N:** very angsty and i'm **dedicating this to gamet** (hope u like it) cuz she seems to like sad stuff that seems tragic and 'cause she proofreads my stuff and likes this pairing and she's put up with soooo much of my other stuff so she deserves it and it's funny to spring these things on ppl when they're unsuspecting!

**please r&r** I appreciate it immensely. next chapter we'll see Sora... and more angst. next chapter should be longer I think.

oh psy you want any stuff dedicated to you? i'm only writing het pairings tho. just PM me if u have any left lol. oh and i'm good.

oh and this idea/some of this fic is loosely influenced by 'All that I'm Living for' by evanesence i just thought it fits. and it set the mood nicely. i suggest u listen. it's an awesome song and the story ties in pretty well. this is not a song fic though.

oh a link to the song is below:

http://www.

youtube

.com

/watch?v=xtcK4wleyu4

this version sorta fits my fic at parts... it was the closest so far but it doesn't really match. hey if ppl wanna make vids of this stuff or any of my fics for me i'd be honored... cuz that'd be pretty sweet i'd do it myself but i lack the clips and the skill to do so.

oh please vote in my poll. thx!


	2. Blame It on Me

**Blame It on Me**

I was the moon trying to eclipse the sun and failing miserably. The outline remained; all I did was cast a shadow. I WAS a shadow and the sun, his sun, Kairi, shone through me; I paled beside her. I was only a copy, a cheap imitation of her anyway, I failed to measure up. I only hurt those around me. I'd put Sora's memories back together, hoping everything would go back to how it had been, that everything would be all right. But it wasn't—not anymore. Proof of that was my present state.

I was me again only not quite because now I was…whole. And I was made even more miserable by that fact because it meant he remembered me now, once again. And that changed everything, ruined everything. Because… I wanted to hold onto him, to pretend it was me he loved. But I couldn't. Not then and certainly not now. Because his new knowledge could only cause pain, it _was_ only causing pain as I sensed in him the pain that had created me. Had I made the right choice? If so then why did my heart still break? Why couldn't he just be happy with her?

Because instead he kept feeling guilty, foolishly thinking that he had betrayed her, refusing to admit he was tricked. No matter how many times I tried to tell him, to convince him, he wouldn't listen. He sat outside, alone again. I shivered, watching as my own breath frosted, slowly drifting upwards in the frigid air. He sat in the dark with only a light turtleneck on; he had to be freezing and I could already see his body occasionally wracking with convulsive shivers. And still I bit my lip hesitating, internally debating the issue. Should I go out there to him? Would he freeze to death? I knew I had to be the last person he wanted to see right now so would he even listen if I tried to help? But guilt already weighed heavily on my conscience; I didn't need to add his death to it.

Grabbing a coat and taking a deep steadying breath I stepped outside. To him. My steps crunched gently across the moonlit snow. It was such a peaceful scene out here; nature does not reflect the trials experienced by those in it-- it only occasionally adds to them.

I continued my slow pace until I reached him, "Is this what you want?" I whispered and he jumped; he'd been too absorbed in his thoughts to notice my presence. I continued, "Is this what you want with your life? To sit here moping? I know you want… you want to be with her." I finally managed to get out the words as they kept catching in my throat, trying to keep the hurt from my voice and the tears from my eyes. **He** had done nothing wrong after all.

Turning to me eyes full of pain and confusion but none of the accusations I so richly deserved, he whispered, "I can't go back to her. I can't."

That was it; I finally had reached my limit and began nearly screaming at him, "It's all my fault all right?! It's all my fault! You know this!" Before continuing I calmed slightly, breathing deeply and then I remembered I had that jacket for him, handing it to him and wordlessly he accepted it and put it on. I began less forcefully now my voice soft now that I had less need to worry about him, "You can blame it all on me. I screwed your memories. Stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING. The organization tricked you. I tricked you. I replaced your memories of H…of Kairi" I corrected myself, "with me; it was her all along. But it wasn't the same, you still remembered her underneath it all. The charm proves it." Then I began begging my voice soft and low, "So please… don't blame yourself. The choices and mistakes were not yours, they were never even yours to make, they were mine."

He stared at me then sadly shook his head, "I can't go back."

I was now annoyed again. Why could he not listen! I was trying to set everything right, to make everything go back to how it should and he couldn't listen! Did he want to be or act like some self-sacrificing martyr? When would he forgive himself?

So… I told him—the boy I didn't think I could live without, the boy who even as a Nobody I had come to care for so much I came to believe that maybe I had a heart after all, the boy I loved—told him "Nothing is stopping you now. She loves you I-I told her everything." And I still remembered her reaction. How could I not? The handprint clearly etched across my face had lasted at least a week—a week where I hid from Sora so he wouldn't know and feel guilty.

He gaped in shock at my revelation unquestioning and I led him inside—I couldn't let him die from exposure; I wouldn't have to worry about struggling with the guilt for she would kill me. I sighed quietly, wishing things had worked out differently.

But it's an old story the hero and his princess, their promise, his memories of her. It was an old tale. So predictable, comfortable. And then I'd come along, the witch, throwing everything, their perfect world for a loop. And now things were returning to normal, as if I had never interrupted, never existed.

I turned from these depressing thoughts… but they lingered. And I knew this time it would hurt worse than ever before when he left because now I finally had a heart. I still remembered before—the last time when he'd chosen her over me. I'd been hurt but I'd understood: who wants fake memories when he had such good REAL ones?

But… I'd never expected it to happen again. And here he was about to inflict a fresh wound, a new scar.

I knew this time it would hurt even more.

And it did. …But, I'd never expected it could hurt this much, ache this badly.

I waved, smiling cheerfully as he left and then ran into my room. I knew now without any doubts that I had a heart because it was broken. He was gone. Really, truly, forever gone to be with her. And it felt like he'd taken a piece of me with him and now I would never be whole again. It took a while for the reality to truly sink in and when it did I sobbed uncontrollably until no more tears came and exhausted I collapsed into a dreamless sleep.

With him gone things returned to normal; I was alone again. But this time it was more than ever before. Axel and Roxas were no longer there to comfort me. 'I can deal with being alone!' I insisted to myself but a small voice whispered: _But at least then you were whole. What are you now? Now that he's been here and left you… twice. Knowing that you're not enough. Knowing that he's left a hole inside._ I dissolved into tears.

It didn't help that I knew it was my fault and what else could I have expected? I wished him happiness, he deserved it, but WHY did it come at the cost of my own? Why couldn't I have a normal life? Why couldn't I be happy? Why did he have to leave?

Would he ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself?

Why had I even had such an ability? I didn't want it. I remembered how I'd tricked him; I tried so hard to change. But I couldn't. It was part of who I was. But at least I could never do it again. So, even though I wanted nothing more than for Sora to stay with me, I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't lie to him. Never again. I guess… my love wasn't enough…

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**A/N:** i think this will have one more chapter.

i may make a sequal. the sequal (_if_ i write one) will have some fluff and angst but much less and will be... maybe not all cheer and flowers but will be happier and fluffy and have more namora... maybe. or i might make one where it's a sokai and Nami has to deal with it that would be interesting too.

i will write a bit of a prequal to this that is definite.

please r&r.

roughly based/inspired by lacrymosa by evanesence if i find a good vid i'll post a link here.

so what do y'all think? too angsty? good amt? too much/overdone? sappy? (i surely hope not). good? bad? i wanna know.


	3. Forgotten

**A/N:**

symbol meanings:

_flashbacks_

'thoughts'

"speech"

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**Forgotten**

He was gone, again. And I ached again and the voices nagged, insistent.

'I've finally lost it.'

But they continued, unabated as they had ever since he left, all his promises, all the words of others in there as well.

_"Didn't he make a promise to you Naminé? Didn't he?"_ Larxene's voice echoed in my head taunting cruelly.

…but His were so much worse.

_"I'll protect you, no matter what."_ And _"Who am I going to have to protect if I don't have you!? Erase my memories, break my heart…I'll still have my promise. I'll still protect you!"_

'… But…what if you're the one to hurt me? What then?'

"The way I felt was no lie."

'…Even though…you still chose Her over me.' I was having conversations with him in my mind and yet I didn't care.

_"I'll find you again after I wake up. And when I do find you, we'll be friends for real."_

'…Even though we both knew this was just another of your empty promises—you wouldn't even remember me. And… now that you do you left me again. It hurts so much now.'

The voices eventually stopped coming, stopped their taunting, stopped repeating empty promises back to me, promises I'd clung to for so long without even realizing it. The days became a blur they all melded together, days without meaning.

'Sora, I wish you were here. I want to see your smile again so bad. I miss you… but you've already forgotten me again, haven't you Sora? But...I remember… everything…I still remember that time it was short, so unbearably short, when you held my hand and then took me by surprise and held me tight. But… I wasn't and won't ever be your love, your light. Now you're gone and I'm crying, broken, dying inside.'

'I'm still searching for a light of my own, but I can't see it, I can't find it. Where are you? I need you right now. Please, don't leave me alone anymore… I can't handle it, being abandoned anymore.'

Nobodies shouldn't feel… but I do. I felt my heart break yet again, felt that ache in my empty chest.

'I still remember the first time.'

_I roamed the halls of oblivion lurking waiting for him. He was back safely I breathed out the tension relieved when I saw he was okay. He'd won. But…_

_…the darkness lingered. He didn't want fake memories anymore. No surprise right? But now everything here reminds me of him… of both of them, they both left me. I wanted so badly to tell them not to go, to stay with me, to be by my side, but the words never came. I couldn't speak and they left of their own free will who was I to deny their desires? Because when you love someone you want to do what's best for them right? And so I tried._

_I listened as he chose the pods, hurt but not surprised, not protesting, I couldn't make this any harder. Afterwards I went down there, to the pods, just to sense his presence, to see him, to feel him, to just be near him. That would have to be enough for me because I knew that would have to be enough for me… because I knew when it was over he'd return to Her._

"It's not fair! I already had to give you up once why do I have to do this again?! It's too much. I can only take so much. Just when I found one thing that mattered… I thought that… maybe I could rebuild my shattered life. I wanted to see you so bad Sora. But they'd already broken you; I'd torn out your heart with my manipulations, because to them we were only pawns, nothing more."

_I watched him in that pod fast asleep; even though he was still there it wasn't the same. I wanted Sora back, his smiles, his warmth, his laughter. "I miss you." This thing I stared at was his shell while he slept inside. _

_"You hurt me." It was a simple truth but the words caught in my truth, I felt I didn't have the right to say them but yet I spoke inside that empty room where no one would know. I'd thought Nobodies weren't supposed to feel but I did, I felt slighted and betrayed. _

_"You left with a smile." _

_Oh God, that was the worst of it. I watched that dazzling smile as he left me, stepping into that pod and it closed in around you as memories of me began to fade. _

_Was he that eager to leave me and memories of me? Or… was he that eager to see her? _

_"Sora, I can see all the sadness you're hiding, I can feel it, I can see it in your eyes, heard it in your voice… but you never spoke of it. I know I hurt you, deceived you, but you never let it out. You just smiled again, this one a little strained, but still there. The first real smile I saw was as you said goodbye so eager to forget this… and me."_

Now that you're gone again I'm left to gather the pieces of my life I'll try to rebuild it again. 'But...why? Why did you go? How can She be your everything when I mean nothing to you?

"I wish… I wish I couldn't feel at all. Please… just let me be numb. Because… otherwise I'll remember that as you left… you were smiling… and I can't handle that anymore. All this hurt. It's… too much."

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A/N: well lemme know what you think. I _do_ have a prequal to this that i'll put up eventually. and maybe a sequal. maybe.

please please r&r I live on those things srsly.

Inspired by the song haunted by Kelly Clarkson link to a vid is listed below:

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=O7bpMQt08FU (eliminate the spaces first but other than that that's the web address.)


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